I get it, really, I do. I’m a good person and the people who love me want to see me happy.
But since when does HAPPY = IN A RELATIONSHIP?
Seriously, I’m 30 years old and I’ve spent more of my adult years single and happy (or working on it) than — dare I say it?! — most people my age. When I’m single I don’t spend all my time thinking about how I’m going to get involved in my next relationship; I actually work on myself as well as my relationships with family and friends.
Yes, I can be hard on myself. But I find that being an introspective person breeds that mentality, and I quite like that I have grown into being a woman who is — in most cases — honest with herself.
I have become a woman who knows who she is. I have also become a woman who knows what she wants out of a partner.
I’ve even begun to recognize and name those qualities and that connection — a made-for-me love-soup of physical characteristics and chemistry, intellectual compatibility and laughter. Similarities to pull us together and differences so that we may learn from one another. A force of feeling.
But mostly, I’ve learned to feel the absence of that aforementioned love-soup. In short — I know when I’m not feelin’ it. And if I know I’m not feelin’ it, why eat? Lonliness isn’t a good enough reason for me to engage in a mild affair with someone else’s heart.
I also think that by now I’ve earned the right to choose — without external judgment — to be single & happy rather than in a relationship that isn’t working and miserable. To wait to pursue or enter into a relationship until I feel it’s worth the risk, worth the time, worth the hope.
To wait until I’ve found someone who’s worth me.
So don’t worry about me being lonely or unhappy. I’ll just have to go on the defensive, making you jealous by telling you all about the amazing trips I have planned this fall to visit friends in far-off places. Or I’ll share with you the exciting projects I’ve got going on behind-the-scenes.
Or perhaps I’ll just ask you if you’d like an ice cream cone to freeze the worry right on your face.
No matter what, I promise you… when I’m feelin’ it, you’ll know. Until then, I’m playing the waiting game.
One Wandering 