I’m having one of those days. You know, a day that falls into the category of “I don’t know what’s wrong but NOTHING will make me happy” kind of days. A day where you’re sure that if something could just go horribly wrong then you could have yourself a nice, long teary sobfest followed by a nap, and wake up feeling much better. A day when you don’t want to be alone, but you can’t bear the thought of being with anyone either (and you wish you had a dog to hug and lick the tears off of your face). A day when no matter how much you love your parents, you can’t help but be short with them because you’re so frustrated and stressed out inside that they are (wrongly) the only ones you feel you can be short with.
Yes, today was a day where I couldn’t stop thinking about how there are all these things that I’d like to do (rather than what I’m currently doing), yet I don’t feel prepared/knowledgeable/confident enough to try. Does anyone else but me ever feel a sense of panic settle upon you when people get excited about something you’ve done or something they’d like you to do, and they start dreaming for you? You know… dreaming about you becoming a famous children’s book writer, or successfully photographing a friend of a friend’s wedding, or even opening up your very own dog barkery???
I understand that it’s all with good intentions. I understand that they believe I have potential and talent.
I just don’t quite believe in myself (and my education/aptitude) enough to allow my brain to process that these could be my dreams. Oh, that’s not to say I haven’t done my share of dreaming… but I always wake up and my crazy pea-brain starts to rationalize everything in a way that is borderline “glass half empty.” And even as I convince myself not to believe in the mirage of success, I begin to berate myself for being such a Pooh Bear (“Tut tut, it looks like rain!”).
So tonight, after seeing I Am Legend with Amy, Rob, Sean, Mom and Dad… I went to my parents’ house and brought Miss Kitty home with me. I can’t remember the last time that I was home, in my own house, with my own cat. And it helps just knowing that she is in this house, waiting for me to finish this post and go to bed. Yeah, it sucks that she’s got to wear an elizabethan collar 24/7 now, lest she make her own butt bald… but as Jaci pointed out, Miss Kitty is okay with it. It’s my guilt and expectations that I’ve got to deal with.
My brain is tired, yet so strung out I know tonight isn’t going to be a good one for sleep. But Miss K just came in to check on me, and as much as I needed to write tonight I need to hang out with her more. We’ve been through a lot, Miss Kitty and me, and now that we’re reunited I’m sure that tomorrow will be a much brighter day.