I am the sort of gal who, in anticipation of certain events being much harder than I have the capacity to deal with, puts off doing certain things. Like calling tech support for my DSL, which has been sporadic since I called Verizon and accepted an offer to “bundle” my landline phone and DSL services together, saving myself some money. (Final tally? A measly $4/month. Savings FAIL.) Along with that savings bundle came two unexpected surprises: the twins Free Long Distance Calling and Upgraded Internet Speed.
Whoo hoo, right?! Wrong.
Ever since my new, faster, stronger and excessively handsome DSL popped into my life, my poor MacBook has been struggling to maintain a consistent, open connection to the World Wide Web while my PC roars down the webbie tracks in blissful ignorance that anything is amiss. And this distressed Jack the Mac so much that it rendered him almost speechless. All he was able to say was, through iTunes, “connection failed” and “error 3150.”
Not helpful. Especially since a visit to Google was rewarded with, “What are you looking for?! Are you sure you didn’t mean “gadget”?? ‘Cuz there ain’t no Google here!“
“Bitch, whatev. I saw his car ’round back, so bring him out.”
“Fine, but he ain’t gonna be happy!”
And such was the way of our daily interactions until, tonight, unable to download an album to my iTunes I finally, stoically, resolutely gathered myself to place a phone call to Verizon tech support. But first, I called Keith. I was sure that my super-duper friend Sarah’s tech-y husband would be able to help me figure out if the problem was my modem, or at least give me some cool tech-geek jargon to speak so I could try to sound intelligent about what was happening.
Based on my initial summarization of events, Keith wasn’t really sure what was going on, but offered to swing by with Sarah’s MacBook in tow to check to see if he would have the same issues with my WiFi. While he was preparing to make the two turns to my parking lot from his, I dialed my way into the cheery depths of the Verizon automated answering system.
That very kind sounding woman’s voice, trying to help me diagnose then direct my call? Yeah, she effing hung up on me.
Luckily, it only took a small handful of curse words and shredding one paper before I was put through to a representative during my second call. Keith entered the room and logged onto my WiFi network. “Slooooooowwwwww” he mouthed, pointing to his desktop. I was trying to figure out which cable the tech support guy wanted me to unhook from my PC desktop and plug into my MacBook, when all of a sudden I realized that there was no one on the line anymore.
Big, fat alligator tears welled up in my eyes and I turned to look at Keith, who encouraged me to “give him a second or two.” I was about to hang up and call back, demanding to speak to a manager and ready to initiate a congressional hearing on the effectiveness of tech support when Robert finally came back on the line. “I’m sorry ma’am, I didn’t mean to make you think I had gone. I had some trouble with my headset — had to get a new one.”
(Boy, wasn’t I glad that the things I had been thinking, I kept as thoughts and didn’t say!)
What transpired next isn’t worth recounting — Robert (I wonder if, when he’s not working, he goes by Bob, or Bobby?) took control of my machine remotely and did a bunch of crap that I didn’t understand — repeatedly it seemed, as I watched with the morbid curiousity of someone who does not expect to come out unscathed from this experience — until all of a sudden he told me to unhook the ethernet cable from the MacBook.
Keith rebooted my WiFi on his computer, and BOY WAS IT FAST!!! After running the ethernet line back into my PC, Jack picked up my new-and-improved WiFi connection and uploaded iGoogle faster than a bad check bounces.
Google has dropped his mistress and is now happily living back under my roof. My iTunes purchases have been successfully downloaded and tucked in for their first night in a new place. And Keith, after correctly installing my new Oomphasis e-mail in Mail, sent me the following test message:
Subject: I hope…
Message: you feel better now 
!!
I do feel better Keith… not just better, but faster and prettier and smarter too. Zippy. Can a person feel zippy?! Thanks for coming to my tech-distress rescue, and for stopping me from saying things out loud that would’ve gotten me sued for slander. Your next glass of whiskey is on me.
Bravo!
One can most definitely feel ‘zippy.’ And I think you qualified for an overwhelming feeling of ‘zippiness’ there.