In avoidance of bad juju

Alrighty. Raise your hands if you don’t like chain letters, but strangely feel compelled to pass them forward anyway. All of you? Does the same feeling also go for the evolution of the blog meme? Yep, thought so.

Well, today Courtney tagged me to go “another damn meme” (her words!), so I’m going to complete it because I don’t want to have to blame her for the rest of my life if I befall a strange bout of bad juju before my upcoming trip that involves canyoneering, camping and motorcycles. If a coyote decides to sneak into my tent and nibble my toes or a turtle decides to race out in front of my bike tire like a slippery banana peel, I couldn’t bear the thought of my last words being, “Damn your meme, Courtney!”

This newest one is a list of eight things I want to do before I die. Um, HELLO. Courtney felt my pain when she got tagged — we both have these lists already up on our respective blogs. But we are overachievers, and we can easily think of EIGHT MORE THINGS! (Well, Courtney did and that just means I have to — it’s a competition thing.) So here goes:

BEFORE I DIE, I WANT TO…

1. …invent an effervescent tablet (or some other physical/electronic device) that you can either put in your mouth/brain/water bottle to make water taste like something you actually WANT to drink when you’re not working out. Like soda. Or chocolate milk. Or Kool-Aid. Or Bourbon. It’ll still be water, with all of its good-for-you benefits, but you’ll THINK it’s something else. Brilliant.

2. …become Cesar Millan’s protege, and then take it to the next level. I’ll be Jen Amber, the Dog/Horse/Tiger whisperer with my own show on the National Geographic Channel or Animal Planet. I’ll have a ranch/sanctuary out West somewhere (Colorado?) that has tons of celebrity endorsements, and I’ll be asked to help rehabilitate/train an abandoned tiger cub and his new friend, a pony named Tickles, for an upcoming children’s flick which will do better in the box office than the latest Batman.

3. …scour the world for a vet who can reverse the psychological damage done to my cat from some component in the anesthesia from her last surgery. After treatment, Miss Kitty will be able to run around the house again without slamming her elizabethan collar into doorframes, and she will no longer bite and chew at her own butt or style her fur in a varying array of bald shapes and patterns. This vet will hence be made famous and will offer me free veterinary services for the rest of my life. Score.

4. …become proficient - if not graceful, athletic and awe-inspiring - at various sports and activities that I’m currently not so good at — like ice skating, running, curling, cricket, archery, chariot driving, steeplechase, red rover and skiing (snow & water).

5. …become Angelina Jolie’s sex-double (on birth control, of course!) for when she’s so tired of making and having babies with the delicious Brad Pitt that she needs a stand-in. What?! It could happen.

6. …go on one of those crazy gameshows, like ABC’s Wipeout, and WIN.

7. …figure out a way to make a living as the person companies hire to point out the obvious. I’ll be the first-ever, employed Common Sense Consultant, and my services will be highly sought-after. I’ll streamline processes, clean things up, organize crap and sign every manager up for training on how to be a manager. Next, I’ll tell them all that they need to hire someone like Sarah S-E to come in and make their spaces pretty and tell them that all of their marketing products suck and say things like, “What happened to the white space?!” and “You are not allowed to use Comic Sans ever again!” It’ll be like Nanny 911, only for businesses. And when I leave they’ll all give me  hugs and ice cream cake and I’ll seal their certification papers together with a shiny, red stapler.

8. …fall in love. Preferably with someone who falls in love with me right back.

[Please note: I felt the need to complete the meme, but I AM going to break the chain. If you find yourself unable to come up with something splendid to blog about today, steal this meme!!! Otherwise, enjoy this guilt-free day of reading and don't forget to leave a fun comment thanking me for giving you back an hour and 12 minutes of your afternoon. ]