Heaven’s lifetime achievement smackdown

It really is important to choose your child’s name wisely. I mean… what if, when you get to heaven, they gather everyone together and have “Lifetime Achievement Awards” for all of the persons that have each given-name? Could you imagine?!?

Moses #2: I grew up with a rocker for a dad and an actress for a mother. I starred in a few rock videos, overcame my own feelings of self-importance from growing up in a celebrity lifestyle, gave a few admirable performances on the big screen and managed to not become a druggie or date Lindsay Lohan. Instead I grew up, married an actress, got divorced, gave some money to charity, became a vegan, got married again, had a baby and gave up being a vegan. I started a wizard wrock band during a reemergence of Harry Potter mania, got a few more movie roles. When I died it was reported in People magazine.

Moses #1: Rather than be killed, my mother abandoned me on the Nile River. Later, God commissioned me to go to Egypt to save Hebrews from the Egyptians, and taught me how to inflict (and heal) plague. I sent ten plagues upon the Egyptians, a feat which is commemorated Passover, and took all of my people Canaan. On the way, God parted the waters of the Red Sea so we could pass, and as we camped I brought water forth from the desert. I weilded the rod of God, received the Ten Commandments, and was known as the leader of the Israelites. I lived to be 120 and was buried by God in an unmarked grave.

Moses #2: Damn man… You win!

Gwyneth: I’m so sorry my son, perhaps we should’ve named you Jerry. Or Melon.

Moses #2: You think? It’s so not fair; I didn’t even stand a chance against a lifetime like that, yet my sister won in her category!

Gwyneth: Well, she is the only “Apple”…

Moses #2: *sigh*